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Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precuious when they come
I think a lot of things should remain completely private, between a man and his wife, between a family, between best friends. But I am also so grateful that some have chosen to pour out their most vulnerable moments to the internet, because their stories have shaped my stories. So this is private, but I'm making it public, because someone else made their private story public, which forever changed my life, which is really, really special.
I remember the moment my heart changed about adoption. I was standing inside Starbucks waiting for my drink, in the middle of the day, crying like a little girl. I was reading a blog that I closely follow, about a couple who struggled with infertility in their early twenties, who thankfully got pregnant and had two beautiful babies. This couple had just announced that they were adopting a little girl, that she would complete their family and the story was the most beautiful thing I had ever read. I think I have re-read it about 15 times and I cry each time. The story tugged at my heart strings more than anything had in a long, long time. The way they described how adoption had entered their hearts made me re-think every single thing society had taught me about where babies come from. It made me think, it made my heart warm and fuzzy and it also made my heart ache for all of the beautiful children in the world who didn't grow up like I did. If you aren't crying yet, you should be. Anyways, I'm standing there in Starbucks, reading quotes like "I never knew how much I loved your daddy, until I saw how much he loved you"- thinking to myself, "Where the hell is my drink, everyone is looking at the crying girl in the coffee shop, why didn't I use the drive-thru, what an idiotttt?". So I finally got my coffee, went to work and that was that. Except for not.
The story stayed with me for way too long. I couldn't stop thinking about it. So I decided to have a chit chat with my handsome husband. He's completely used to my emotionally-infused ideas and so I knew he would humor me about the whole thing. Plus, it wasn't the first time we had talked about adoption, we've talked about it before and we are both very open to it. But I think he could tell that this time I was a little bit more serious. And so he agreed, yes, adoption is wonderful and yes, we should think about it. And we both agreed that we would love to have biological children AND possibly adoptive children, it just depends what the universe wants to give us. What cards will we be dealt?
Deep down I've always thought Max would be a wonderful parent to ANY child. Biological, adopted, mailman's kid, it doesn't matter. He has this amazing ability to be completely selfless and to love anything and to never get flustered...he's a freak of a man, I am SO lucky, you have no idea. But I've always questioned myself as an adoptive parent, until now. I used to think that adoption was a great idea in theory, but that it just wasn't for me. In my very early twenties, I was worried about one thing and that was ME, Myself and I. I was inpatient, frustrated, hot-headed, uptight and totally unprepared. But I think a lot of that has changed. I now find myself calm, understanding and different. I know myself so much better and I know what I want from life a little bit more now than I did then. Many things have recently happened that have changed my seriousness about adoption. One of the things that changed my heart about adoption, was my sweet dog, Apple. (And also, Grey's Anatomy...I mean do you see how friggin cute Derek and Meredith's little adopted baby is?? Come on now! Sorry...sometimes when things start sounding too serious I make jokes that involve stupid, totally unrealistic TV shows).
If you don't love animals, you might stop reading now, because this won't make sense to you. A few months ago, Max and I adopted a beautiful furry baby named Apple (for those that don't know her story, she is a rescue dog who is newly blind and she's the most amazing little thing you will ever meet). I talk about her a lot on Facebook, but I haven't talked so openly about her, so it's time to share. Apple changed my life, she changed my viewpoints and my thoughts and yes, she is "just a dog" (I hate that phrase). We have three dogs, our first two, Minnie and Nemo, we got as puppies and I consider them my "biological babies" and I consider Apple my "adopted baby". When Apple came into our life, I knew she was that thing that had been missing, that little piece that would leave me forever changed. She brings us so much happiness. I watch her stuggle sometimes and I cry. I cry because she was dealt a shitty hand of cards, but I know that so many people have loved her and changed her life and for that, I am so happy. Sometimes I sit on the couch and I watch her play fetch with my husband...I think to myself my God, she is blind and she is playing fetch, wagging her tail, licking us all over. She was treated miserably by humans at some point in her life, but tonight, she is going to cuddle up in our warm bed, sprawl out completely unguarded and not think twice. It's her safe place, WE are her safe place, she loves us. She doesn't care that she is blind, she's amazing.
So the other day, Max was taking Apple to her fancy vet appointment to get her eye checked on. He came home with an update, he said she's doing great but she might need to have one of the eyes removed later in life to avoid some complications. And we both shrugged our shoulders and thought, whatever we need to do to maintain the best possible quality of life for her, whatever the specialist recommends, we will take care of it. And we never talked about how much the procedure might be, neither one of us really cared, we just want to take care of our baby. It was then that I realized how much our hearts had grown, and how much we had grown. I've always loved broken things, broken people...I like to try to fix. Apple satisfies that in me. But I think I might have been a little broken, and my beautiful "broken" dog fixed me. I feel a love from her that is very different from the love I feel from my other dogs. I love them all the same, but Apple's love is different. If we go back to the adoption story...my greatest fear in adoption is that I will love my biological children differently than my adoptive children and that it might be a bad thing. Apple stopped that fear for me. She gave me a glimpse of what it would be life to love a baby who was dealt a less than favorable hand, who didn't come to me from day one and who was not my blood. She showed me that love is love and that's it, end of story. A soul who needs you is a soul who needs you. A mom loves her baby, regardless of where that baby came from.
And so, my amazing dog set my mind at ease about loving a baby who did not come from my body. I still return to that blog post I found and it still gives me the chills and sends tears down my face. I remain uncertain what my future holds, but I now know that there is a very special place in my heart for adoption and that makes me really happy.
Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart, but in it
